The sermon or homily, whatever it’s called, at the last catholic mass I went to recently was quite profound to me. I wasn’t surprised that I was moved, I made sure that mass I was attending would be given my favorite priest, and his homilies always seem to be tailor made for me. He ended his homily with this, “So go out in to the world and speak the language of love, peace, compassion and understanding. Go out in to the world and speak the language of God.” That instantly resonated with me. While in this 10-month course that I am enrolled in on spiritual psychology these same words come up all the time: love, peace, compassion, and understanding. What made it profound is that I’ve been asking myself what my life’s purpose is and wondering if there is something that I need to give more of. I’ve been wondering if there is some way for me to inspire, motivate and mentor people. At the time that I heard the priest closing statement I thought that’s it! I am going to go out in the world full of love, compassion and understanding of everyone and make a difference in people’s lives.
And today, just tonight actually… I had this realization. I am so focused on how I can be more loving to others, show more compassion and be more understanding when the real work for me is to be all those things to myself first! What drives me crazy is that I know all of this! I am especially aware of it during the monthly class weekends at “spirit school” and I am neck deep in self-loving, self-compassion and self-acceptance… but soon after the class weekend that goes to the back of my brain to be forgotten till the next class weekend.
Latin women are brought up to always put others needs first before your own. Shit, maybe we’re hard-wired that way. If Tio Juan pops in on Sunday for a quick visit… “pronto Monica, get up and get something to drink for your uncle, while I warm something up for him to eat.” We’re used to putting our own needs away where they are never attended to.
Flash forward +40 years here I am having a hard time putting myself first. Loving me first, be compassionate with myself, nurturing myself. It is so much easier to love someone else than to love myself. I am so understanding and compassionate of people around me. I tell my friends, “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break, it’s okay,” but I can’t turn around and tell myself the same thing.
During one of the classes in April the instructor/teacher whatever his title is said something to the effect of, “it’s not about loving someone else, it’s about loving yourself, being the love in yourself. When you do that you attract love from others.” When those words came out of his mouth I wanted to scream! I really did. You see it’s really hard to love myself. I can do it for minutes at a time, maybe even hours at a time… but to be in that state constantly loving myself is almost impossible. Am I not going to ever find a partner that loves me because I can’t fucking love myself?! F that, F me!
Tonight I came across an image with a quote that is intended to be a positive message.
Instead of being moved and motivated by it I screamed at it! I really did. Then I cried a bit, not gonna lie. Finally I was compelled to get my frustrations out and thought I’ll do that with a new post!
Latina goal: Love myself unconditionally. I do deserve the love that I keep trying to hand out to people. Knowing that I deserve my self-loving and actually loving myself unconditionally are two completely separate things. My biggest latina goal is definitely to love myself unconditionally. And I believe it can be done… it’s just going to take a lot of work.