Letting go of something or someone when it’s clearly what needs to happen is never easy. Tonight I got in touch with the part of me that wanted to keep holding on to the hope and I asked her to let go. She let go.
In my last post, In The Game, I started off by sharing how in working on my vulnerability I developed feelings for a guy and I didn’t mention much else about it in the post. The omission wasn’t purposeful necessarily, but when my writing steered away from it I let it be. I’ll be honest, I was scared of sharing more regarding my crush, of being that vulnerable to share more about the story and possibly risk being exposed (to people that know him and to him, if they and he happen to come across my post). Well all this time I have been swimming in a sea of emotions, overwhelmed with my feelings for this guy. I feel like I barely manage to keep my head above water and my legs and arms are getting tired of treading water keeping me afloat.
The feelings I had for this guy was a mirror of a very similar situation I had when I was in college. At universtiy, I got to know and became very close with a classmate of mine, we’ll call him Anthony. We hung out all the time, we were best friends. We were bros for the most part, but somewhere along the way I had developed deep feelings for him. Being that we were friends and I was scared of letting it be known that I had a crush on one of the most popular guys in our class, I never shared this with anyone. People would even ask me if I liked Anthony and I would deny it with such authenticity I even convinced myself sometimes. My secret crush for Anthony lasted for over 7 years. Without getting in to the details of that relationship, that finally came to an end when I made the self-honoring choice to come clean to Anthony and tell him that I had been in love with him for years. I thought I had mended whatever needed mending back then, but I was wrong.
- During the course in Spiritual Psychology we often talked about things that happen to you now and especially things that “trigger” you or bother you are coming up mainly because there is some part of you in the past that needs healing. Gosh, I don’t know if I explained that very well. Basically, if something is bothering you it is coming up because there is a lesson to be learned and some other part of your life that needs attention. People come in to your life for reason, either as a blessing or as a lesson.
Earlier this year here I was falling in to the same predicament with this friend that I’d recently met at school, let’s call him Derek. There were so many parallels of my current friendship with Derek with my past friendship with Anthony that I was struggling to keep my head on straight. I didn’t want to have to go through all that again, I didn’t want the same result, I didn’t want to waste more years of my life secretly harboring feelings for a friend. I know how that story ends!
During the 10-month course at school I did a lot of work around Anthony, which to tell you the truth I never would have imagined that part of my past needed tending to. I worked a lot on self-worth, self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance around it. In short, for years I had blamed myself for Anthony not reciprocating my feelings for him. I was not good enough, not pretty enough, I was too fat, I was not smart enough, I was not… enough. What I finally came to realize and accept is that Anthony not having those feelings for me was never about me, never! Anthony and I were simply not on the same page. For all I know he had a lot of self-judgments going on inside of himself and he didn’t think he was worthy of me. Who knows, and that is not the point really. What is the point is that I had made up these mis-beliefs about myself and they had become my story.
Fast forward to earlier this year I was applying that list of misbeliefs to my friendship with Derek now. I liked him… a lot, we were having a great time hanging out, getting to know each other and I was almost certain that he felt the same, but at some point things changed. I don’t know if it was him or me, but things cooled off quick and I began to tack on all of the mis-beliefs that I was not good enough for him to like me. So during the class in June when I had this shift in my beliefs regarding my friendship with Anthony years ago I was so happy and feeling so light. It was such an enlightening moment and source of personal growth to know that it was never about me being rejected and not being good enough. I am enough, I am more than enough! I looked at my friendship with Derek and realized it was the same situation there too. Anthony wasn’t at the same place in life that I was back then and Derek isn’t at the same place in life that I am now. Simple as that. No self-judgement about it. So I thought, “Done!” I can move on, release my feelings for Derek and get on with life. Nope, I found myself still holding on to the hope that maybe, just maybe… Derek is “the one” and he’s gonna have an epiphany and realize that we’re meant for each other and everything would fall in to place.
- Two of the tools we learned at USM’s 10-month course in Soul Centered Living I are dialoguing with your Inner Counselor (IC) and dialoguing with an aspect of yourself or with someone that you are experiencing a dis-ease with through a Gestalt approach.
Last month I shared with Kristi, a friend from class, that I was having a hard time moving on and releasing my crush on Derek. [Sidetone: I realized that one of the mistakes I made with my feelings for Anthony years ago was me holding it all inside and not sharing with friends and loved ones what was going on inside of myself. So this time around I have been opening up to everyone about it that I feel comfortable sharing this with.] I told her I’d even had a gestalt process with my Derek, where I had a conversation with him (he was imaginary) and told him all of the things that were on my chest at the moment. I felt somewhat better but I was still frustrated that I didn’t seem to make any shifts towards moving on and letting go of my feelings for him. At the end of our dog-walking date Kristi asked if I had considered having a gestalt process with the aspect of myself that is holding on to my crush on Derek, and ask her why she’s not letting go. I considered her suggestion then, but didn’t think about it again.
I had been having a hard time with all of this these last couple of months and the last couple of days were especially hard. I felt like I had split personalities. A part of me had accepted that Derek is not the one and has been ready to move on. Another part of me was not accepting that and was not budging from the idea that he is the one, he is my soulmate. Last night I bared down and set out to have a dialogue with my Inner Counselor and ask her for guidance regarding my dilemma. Not soon into my session with my Inner Counselor it became obvious that I needed to talk with the aspect of myself that was not willing to let go of my feelings for Derek.
The aspect that came forward was my 24-year old self, the part of me that had fallen in love with Anthony all those years ago. She was holding on to Derek being “the one” for a couple of reasons she said. 1) She acknowledges that it didn’t work out with Anthony, he was not the one, but she was convinced that it was going to work out with Derek; 2) I’d not allowed myself to have such deep feelings for a guy since Anthony and having these wonderful feelings bloom inside myself again felt so good that she didn’t want to let go of that. I gently told my 24-yr old me that Derek is not the one. We talked about what I want to have in a relationship and in a soulmate. I explained to her that holding on to the feelings for Derek was not for my highest good. We went back and forth, she was persistent on holding on to what little hope that was left. I acknowledged her braveness and persistence, and I promised to fall in love with someone else again soon, I told her I intend to keep my walls down. Finally I asked her to let go. She let go.
This morning I didn’t put any expectations on myself that I was going to be cured of my feelings for Derek. I still checked my social media feeds to see if Derek had posted anything interesting in the last 24 hours, etc. But today I definitely feel different, I feel empowered, determined. I keep reminding myself that I am letting go and that feels really good.
This is one of the hardest, most vulnerable things I’ve ever done in a long time. Yes, I changed the names of the two guys. Baby steps here, three foot tosses. Some of my friends will know the names of the two guys, and should either of the two guys come across my post and read it they’ll know too. I am putting this out to the universe and what will be will be.
Latina goal: Fall in love again.
Love,
Moni X ♡♡♡
Endnote: Below is a quick dialogue I had with my Inner Counselor when I started this post. She came up during this post and gave me the support and love to go through with the post.
Me: How self-honoring am I going to be? If I truly “let go” than not censoring myself right here, right now is the ultimate letting go… IC: Just do it… you will be okay. You will not die, you will continue living, continue being who you are and that’s a radiant, loving, confident, strong woman… do it… you’re in the game love.