Letting my guard down and letting the world see my soft side has been an intention of mine for some time now. I still remember the session with my life coach, 3 or 4 years ago, where I had the realization that my version of protecting myself from getting hurt by others, from being let down by people came off as arrogant and unapproachable. I would walk in to a room with so much fake self-confidence and bravado it came off as having a chip on my shoulder, but really it was a form of shielding myself from harm. The truth is I am the biggest softie you’ll ever know, I just never felt safe to show that to anyone.
Over the last 10 months I have become so much better at being vulnerable. My number one intention for the course in soul-centered living that I was taking was to be more vulnerable. I had an inner knowing that it was going to be the biggest challenge, but ultimately give me the biggest reward.
Whelp… I did the vulnerability thing really well turns out. I became so vulnerable that I went and developed feelings for a someone. Which when I finally realized what happened and admitted to myself that I had true bona fide romantic feelings for a guy I was scared and not happy about it at all. I cried about it actually. For weeks, right before bed each night I would actually say in my bedtime prayers to have those feelings gone by the time I woke up. Without me being aware, up until then I had never gotten to a point where I truly liked someone, that I admitted to myself that I liked someone and that I shared my feelings with people.
So, in the spirit of what I was learning in spiritual psychology I allowed my self to be vulnerable by sharing what was going on with my life at the moment. I started sharing my predicament with friends if the topic came up organically. One of the people I shared my new romantic feelings was a close male friend of mine, Dave. See right there, even that was practicing my vulnerability, I talked to my guy friend about my feelings… like whoa. I told Dave about the guy, what made him so great, all that. A month or so later we met up for lunch again, Dave asked for an update with the guy. I said to him that it wasn’t going anywhere nor would it ever go anywhere. I continued on to tell Dave that there were plenty of other women around that are better then me and so why even lose any more sleep over it. I told him of the women that I assumed my crush was seeing and it was obvious, to me at least, that they were better matches for him. They were fitter, they were nicer, they had fabulous hair, they were prettier, they were just better than me. Like a true heart-centered friend, Dave listened to my rant when I was done he asked me why I was taking myself out of the game, where was my competitive spirit. That question/comment from him stopped me in my tracks, I was blown away by that question.
[Sidebar: At some point along the way of living my life I developed a M.O. of taking myself out of the game when it came to men. It was safer for me to befriend them, be one of the guys, shoot the shit with them, talk about cars, etc. It was a safety mechanism for me to bro them rather than be vulnerable and allow myself to have romantic feelings for them. You see, if I took myself out of the game well then I never really put my chips on the table and therefore never lost anything.]
That night, after being blown away, I was getting ready for bed and I had all these thoughts of how I was counting myself out of the game without ever putting my name in the hat in the first place, I was beyond frustrated. I did some free form writing, which is expressing what is bothering you in writing and giving yourself the freedom to write down everything that is going around in circles in your head; you keep writing until you notice a shift in energy, you go from anger, fear, frustration, etc to a state of peace, self-forgiveness, release. When that shift happened for me what came out of me was an affirmation about who I am and what I believe in that has since become what I recite to myself every day.
My affirmation: I relinquish all control and trying to see in to the future. Instead I choose to be lead by the diving unknowing and faith that what is mine is mine and cannot be taken away from me. I am making a commitment to myself to accept and honor the radiant, loving, confident, strong woman that I’ve always been. Not sitting in the sidelines, I’m in the game.
While that came through me from my Higher Self at a time when I was dealing with my feelings for my crush, this affirmation has since become my source of power and courage to remind me to stay on course with my life, to keep shining my light and not let my own ego and self-judgements scare me out of showing up for myself. The condensed more powerful version of my affirmation is simply “in the game.” I recite those three magical words to myself throughout the day, especially when I have thoughts of dialing back on the vulnerability or whenever the little voice in my head tries to convince me that I am unworthy, not good enough, not smart enough, not talented enough, not creative enough, not “enough”, I just whisper “in the game” and old brown eyes is back!
I meditate almost every morning for at least 15 minutes, I do it so I start my day grounded and connected to Mother Earth, so I am centered in my Authentic Self, and I also meditate to remember that I am “in the game” of my life, not sitting in the sidelines as a spectator. “In The Game” has become my empowering statement, I get so much strength from it. I’m a beast when I’m “in the game”, nothing can stop me. When I’m “in the game” whatever it is that I am doing or thinking I am doing it with so much love for myself, so much acknowledgement of the radiant, loving, confident woman that I am, and my inner light is shining so bright you need your shades.
There is no risk in losing anything when watching life from the sidelines other than the risk of losing a missed opportunity to know how truly great you really are. Be in the game. Live your life as if it’s 4th and goal in the last 5 seconds of the 4th quarter and you got the last possession for the W.
Latina goal: Be bold, be brave, be fierce, be a beast, be in the game
In the game,
Moni X